Don’t Come Over. I’m Overcome.

I move with a peculiar nervousness. Looking over my shoulder, hanging my head. Stepping between lines and through shadows. Unsure but unwavering. Lost but on track. I shy away from anything and anyone who welcomes me. Totally overcome by my very being.

I want to hide from the mirror but I can’t look away.

And I’d already be dead if I weren’t still fighting to stay alive.

In case you’re wondering… I miss you, Heather, like the best friends that we used to be. I miss you, Kristina, like the best friends we could have been. I miss you, Amanda, like a little sister. I miss you, Jeannine, like a big sister. I want to have that lunch with you, Cindy. I want to party it up with you, Adi. I want Anjella to talk to me again and tell her it’s okay. I want to see Sammy again and play with her baby. I want to know that Claire is alright and I want to hold her, finally. I want to kiss you, Tammy and hit the best bars in Thailand. I want to make it up to Dan. I want to hang out with Kevin again. I want to hug Constance. I want to tell Blythe just how much those few hours meant to me. I want to find Andrea and fulfil my promise. I want to find Alexis and change the world with her. I want to catch up with my cousin, Samantha. I want to lay under a big tree with Jen. I want to know that Jasmine is happy. I want Nikko to accept me. I want Harmony to really talk to me. I want to know that Stephanie is happy. I want Lori to tell me why. I want to tell Samantha just how sorry I am. I want Jodi to come back. I want John to understand. I want my mother to fucking give it up and finally get it. I want to know that Savannah is doing just fine and see her smile just one more time.

I want to make my Danielle happy beyond her wildest dreams. I want Phoenix to inherit a beautiful world.

And I want to apologise to anyone I may have forgotten…

My to-do list is never-ending. So many amazing people have touched me in so many ways but I’ve reached a stage in my life where I don’t know how to return the favour. I’ve let you all down. I’ve neglected you. I’ve lied to you. I’ve left you behind. But I haven’t forgotten you and I have never stopped loving you. The simple truth is, I don’t know how to live anymore and don’t dare soil anyone’s life with my problems. Honestly, I’m just going through the motions and making the best out of every pitiful second of existence I have left, because something tells me it won’t be long now. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, I just don’t know how to make anyone happy anymore. I can barely utter a word when anyone says hello. I can barely look anyone in the eye. I’m so ashamed of myself and so exhausted from all of the self-loathing and so tired of being cast out by the general populace that I simply don’t have the energy to share any piece of myself with anyone anymore.

And I hate it.

This is not the person I am and I know it. You know it, whoever you are. I exist now as a byproduct of fear and depression. I’m so scared. I’m so hurt. I’m so lost and I don’t even know why I’m typing this. I can never keep in touch, no matter how badly I want to. I can never get up the nerve to pick up that phone. I can never compose myself long enough to get online and say anything to anyone. I’m a total wreck and I do not know what to do. I am so sorry. I am so unbelievably sorry. I miss you all so much and you mean so much to me and I think about all of you all the time. I want to give you so much. I want to touch you like you’ve touched me. But I just can’t…

Please forgive me. I love you.