Posts filed under ‘Personal’

With Her

I find such contentment in simply laying here, staring at her as she sleeps. Listening to nothing else but the sound of her quiet breathing. Imagining myself beside her—arms around her pixelated vessel, feeling her real, natural warmth, beyond the screen—brings a hopeful smile to my face.

She has saved me. Saved me from the trenches of despair, not so long ago, when I felt as though I had nothing left to live for. Having every single thing I cherished and nurtured stripped away from me in an instant. And yet, I’m still here. Still going.

With her.

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Saturday, 28 August, 2010 at 7:57 am Leave a comment

Don’t Come Over. I’m Overcome.

I move with a peculiar nervousness. Looking over my shoulder, hanging my head. Stepping between lines and through shadows. Unsure but unwavering. Lost but on track. I shy away from anything and anyone who welcomes me. Totally overcome by my very being.

I want to hide from the mirror but I can’t look away.

And I’d already be dead if I weren’t still fighting to stay alive.

In case you’re wondering… I miss you, Heather, like the best friends that we used to be. I miss you, Kristina, like the best friends we could have been. I miss you, Amanda, like a little sister. I miss you, Jeannine, like a big sister. I want to have that lunch with you, Cindy. I want to party it up with you, Adi. I want Anjella to talk to me again and tell her it’s okay. I want to see Sammy again and play with her baby. I want to know that Claire is alright and I want to hold her, finally. I want to kiss you, Tammy and hit the best bars in Thailand. I want to make it up to Dan. I want to hang out with Kevin again. I want to hug Constance. I want to tell Blythe just how much those few hours meant to me. I want to find Andrea and fulfil my promise. I want to find Alexis and change the world with her. I want to catch up with my cousin, Samantha. I want to lay under a big tree with Jen. I want to know that Jasmine is happy. I want Nikko to accept me. I want Harmony to really talk to me. I want to know that Stephanie is happy. I want Lori to tell me why. I want to tell Samantha just how sorry I am. I want Jodi to come back. I want John to understand. I want my mother to fucking give it up and finally get it. I want to know that Savannah is doing just fine and see her smile just one more time.

I want to make my Danielle happy beyond her wildest dreams. I want Phoenix to inherit a beautiful world.

And I want to apologise to anyone I may have forgotten…

My to-do list is never-ending. So many amazing people have touched me in so many ways but I’ve reached a stage in my life where I don’t know how to return the favour. I’ve let you all down. I’ve neglected you. I’ve lied to you. I’ve left you behind. But I haven’t forgotten you and I have never stopped loving you. The simple truth is, I don’t know how to live anymore and don’t dare soil anyone’s life with my problems. Honestly, I’m just going through the motions and making the best out of every pitiful second of existence I have left, because something tells me it won’t be long now. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, I just don’t know how to make anyone happy anymore. I can barely utter a word when anyone says hello. I can barely look anyone in the eye. I’m so ashamed of myself and so exhausted from all of the self-loathing and so tired of being cast out by the general populace that I simply don’t have the energy to share any piece of myself with anyone anymore.

And I hate it.

This is not the person I am and I know it. You know it, whoever you are. I exist now as a byproduct of fear and depression. I’m so scared. I’m so hurt. I’m so lost and I don’t even know why I’m typing this. I can never keep in touch, no matter how badly I want to. I can never get up the nerve to pick up that phone. I can never compose myself long enough to get online and say anything to anyone. I’m a total wreck and I do not know what to do. I am so sorry. I am so unbelievably sorry. I miss you all so much and you mean so much to me and I think about all of you all the time. I want to give you so much. I want to touch you like you’ve touched me. But I just can’t…

Please forgive me. I love you.

Tuesday, 6 October, 2009 at 6:40 am Leave a comment

Rendezvous

(This is one of the very few mornings I’ve woken up to a sleeping baby, so I thought I should take advantage of a rare opportunity while I still could.)

Hmmm… okay, no excuses today. I’ve been lazy. Busy, sure. But lazy. I don’t know what it is but I haven’t had much of an urge to stay committed to my wee, little blog lately. I used to be all over this thing. Maybe I was on some kind of mission to make myself heard. I dunno. Anyway, I wanna get back in it, I’ve just had other goings on eating up my precious little time.

Phoenix (the crazy baby from outer space) is looking absolutely, 100% per cent, completely and utterly adorable. He may drive us up the wall every single calendar day but he rocks our socks like no other. He’s got some kind of air about him that just sort of resonates something special (or maybe that’s just me being one damn proud mama). We’ve already taken him to the movies twice, by the pools around Treasure Island a few times, down to Boatswain’s Beach, over to my Aunt Barbara’s and envjoyed a sleepover at his grandparents. Been thinking about giving him his own little blog too, starting tomorrow, maybe, which marks his second month birthday anniversary (although he’s technically been eight weeks old since Thursday).


On the subject of blogs et cetera, I’ve also been secretly working on another Silky blog on the sly. One to accompany my Silky namesake on Second Life alone, chock full of way more electro (and nothing but electro) and all about the music and the scene online. Since I haven’t been able to spin for so long now, I’ve been training with Ableton Live in the hopes of getting back in the game with a much bigger, stronger arsenal of mad skills, if ya know what I mean. Ableton Live is simply amazing and there’s no arguing that but my shoddy excuse for a PC just isn’t cutting it anymore. (It’s survived numerous trials, so I can’t really knock Hypersonic for their uber-developed and souped-up Clevos.) So, I might be migrating my DJ business to the Mac for now.

In other news, I’m currently developing a small website for a client outside of Century 21 so if anyone asks, you heard nothing. Just a little something for Tortuga Rum Cake Co., nothing major but we could always do with a few extra funds.

I’ve been missing my friends. I guess D and I both have. Aside from frequent visits from my parents, we’re virtually alone on this island now. Just the three of us. And I’d like to say more about other persons that have recently entered our lives but it seems as though they may be slowly slipping out already. Oh, well. On with the show…

Tuesday, 15 July, 2008 at 7:45 am Leave a comment

Just Another Day In Paradise

I haven’t said much about life in general lately and I’m starting to worry that people out there, whoever you are, might start to think that I’m some kind of bad mother for not mentioning my little bundle o’ joy more often. Well, if only to save myself from public shame, I have to tell you that D and I have been incredibly busy with Phoenix since his arrival, naturally. Which is mostly why I’ve neglected my innocent little blog so much as of late. We barely have time for much else but, to whomever it may concern, I’ll give you a small glimpse into what goes on behind this web-based facade of my silly, misguided existence.


Phoenix had his first doctor’s visit yesterday. At just six weeks old, he was subjected to two injections from a duo of syringes longer than his forearm, administered by some over-the-hill gorilla lady with ashy knuckles and a moustache, with hardly an ounce of tenderness. But, alas, he survived and emerged victorious, now immunised against Hepatitis B and Tuberculosis. We also discovered that he ineed has some mild eczema, so we’ll pick something up for his skin soon enough, although the amazing, natural line of Weleda products we’ve been using has done wonders already. He still gets the odd patch of dry skin here and there and seems to be particulary prone to heat rash but in this hot and humid Caribbean weather, it’s no surprise.

Pookums stands tall and proud at 12lb 5oz now and he’s 100 per cent clinically insane. He enjoys most of his days (and nites) milking Mama D dry and when he’s not satisfying his hunger pains, he’s pooping, peeing, burping, puking, bauling his head off, knocking off a few rounds with D’s tits, dancing to Rollergirl, staring at the bed head, smiling, squeaking, squirming, attempting to crawl, struggling to make sense of my crazy curls, immersed in the TV and/or computer screen, brushing up on his boxing, pulling off an uncannily convincing Popeye impression, shoving his feet into my diaphragm, dozing off or demanding more boob juice. Oh and, every once in a while, he’ll sleep. He also makes a habit of throwing his own parties at the witching hour every nite, at which we are always present (D provides the beverages). Breakfast begins at approximately 5am, 6am and 7am every morning, collectively and then it’s time for his daily exercise routine, which consists of push-ups (or pull-ups, as the case may be), sit-ups and various stretches.

So, yes, he’s doing just fine.


Lately, we’ve been playing the typical famiy role, performing the daily grind, so to speak, until there’s enough money saved up in my pension for us to extract and head back to Arizona, finally. We wake up not so bright and early every morning, tend to the master, enjoy a bowl of diced organic bananas and/or apples with pomegranate, acai or blueberry granola and soy yoghurt, feed the scraps to the neighbourly iguana on our balcony, check out the latest Wii updates, dabble on Second Life a little, Pookums permitting and maybe indulge in a little television or music. I’ve been working mostly from home, as I barely do anything at the office anymore besides sit around, eroding in the dark and I can perform just fine on the Mac right here at home and still spend my free time helping out Mama D with the little monster.

Occasionally, we’ll trek down to the beach, Phoenix in stroller, though he doesn’t seem to care of the saltwater very much so sometimes we’ll simply venture downstairs to the nearby swimming pools visible from our balcony and wade in the smaller tub for a while. He seems to have taken quite a liking to water, provided the temperature is just right. So much so that we can now comfortably bathe with him in the bathroom and scrub him down in unison, even feeding him right there and then should he feel the urge to suckle. We always take him shopping with us and tomorrow we’ll even make an attempt to make a trip to the cinema with the grandparents to watch Wall-E, if it’s even playing here yet.

And that’s about our life as it stands right now. We’ve been a little more preoccupied with Second Life since he’s entered our lives and we’re ever so slowly getting back into the groove and I’m hoping to start spinning again soon, should I find some way to do so using Ableton Live (I’ve grown tired of SAM). In the meantime, I’m not sure what to do with this little corner of cyberspace. I’m not even sure if I’m making the least bit of difference with all my posts on environmentalism, veganism, transgenderism and the sort although I’ll still continue forward on my quest to convince the mass populace to wake the fuck up.

But baby gets what baby wants.

Friday, 27 June, 2008 at 6:21 pm Leave a comment

Existential Vicissitudes

Something almost unworldly is unfolding. I can’t quite place it but I feel its coming…

Nearly two weeks ago now, around the time I made my last post, I experienced a glimpse into some unreal — and yet, somehow truer than reality — moment in the shape of a dream. It was only a brief interruption to my usual deranged dream sequences but I haven’t been able to shake its effect since. It opened up something inside of me. I feel like I’m seeing clearer, feeling stronger, understanding everything more than I ever have before, in every sense; metaphysically. It’s much like what Ellis achieved in this short story I wrote long ago, entitled Tripper’s Dream.

Ellis had entirely given up on life and living in general, completely secluding himself from everything he had ever known to escape the horrible depressions raiding his long-sheltered life, until all he had left were his thoughts. And with no real self-meaning of his own, his mind unwittingly seeked some sense of purpose in the dreams of others. Dreams he was able to play witness to in every way, beyond the limits of the physical body, as though they were his own experiences. He found more truth in these artful, meandering memories and fantasies than he ever did before and eventually came to feel more awake, more alive, when invading the dreams of others than he ever did in his own conscious world. This strange pastime of his carried on until he eventually encountered someone else wandering the lucid realm with him and, together, they decided to leave behind the real world altogether in pursuit of an existence solely as free-flowing thoughts.

Well, anyway… I guess that probably all sounds like Quantum Physics hogwash but the truth is, for that brief moment (which seemed to last quite longer at the time), I played witness myself to colours that were brighter and more varied than any I’d ever seen, felt an overwhelming sense of serenity and even a distinct feeling of weightlessness, illustrated by the act of actually floating on water. I know, for certain, that this was no ordinary dream, much less a dream at all.


Lately, D and I have been feeling quite… um… well, for lack of a more appropriate way of putting this, more “in touch with ourselves” and I don’t know if it’s related at all to that experience I’ve had. We’ve even begun practising astral projection together and, though it didn’t really work the first time, whatever we managed to achieve ignited something sexual within us. We’ve been having the best sex we’ve ever had these past two weeks now. Maybe, if we can keep this up, we’ll finally be able to express our passion in the astral plane. Yeah. Now I know nobody’s taking me seriously anymore.

Something’s in the air. I don’t know what it is yet but whatever it is, it’s definitely looking positive…

Tuesday, 24 June, 2008 at 7:53 pm Leave a comment

Our Sex

So, last nite, D and I were recalling many of our varied sexual deviations and explorations and, almost unanimously, came to the realisation that we were quite the kinky duo. Between the two of us, we’ve had straight sex, gay sex, tranny sex, hermaphrodite sex, anal sex, oral sex, threesomes, foursomes, underage sex, over-the-hill sex, incestuous sex, interracial sex, phone sex, cybersex, food sex, role-playing sex, mutual masturbation sex, double-penetration sex, drunken sex, high sex, soft sex, hard sex, quick sex, fast sex, cheating sex, bloody sex, lactating sex, knocked-up sex, private sex, public sex, bondage sex, urinating sex, sex on the beach, sex on a bus, sex in a car, supernatural sex, etc.

The list goes on and on. But we both know there’s far more left for us to experiment with. We’re just struggling to find something brand spankin’ new that’s realistically worth our while (bestiality being our one major exception). It’s time to take things up a notch. Perhaps a little necrophilia is in order? Hmmm…

Monday, 9 June, 2008 at 2:51 am 2 comments

Days Go By

Sooo…

Here I go again, blabbing on and on about this, that and the other and sending out my personal thoughts, opinions and expressions into the vast reaches of cyberspace for no apparent reason aside from crafting some sort of chronicle of my everyday life. And throwing in some free music for good measure.

As if anyone really cares out there, I’ve updated the Guide To The Silky Way yet again. Added more Google hacks for my fellow mp3 junkies that should keep you busy for a while. (I know I’m hooked.)

Anyway… um, well, things are just dandy right now. I suppose. I don’t know if it’s the Law Of Attraction we’ve been putting into play or not (I mean we seriously wished for like $1000 this month and BAM, we had $750 sitting pretty in our hands the next week) but shit seems to be holding together. I’m trying not to freak out and jinx it but even though we’ve had to dodge a few curve balls these past few weeks, right now, life is, after all is said and done, chipper.

It’s my Dad’s birthday. He’s like in his mid 60s or something. And, despite the fact that we pulled in all that money out of nowhere (well… reimbursed insurance payments, actually), I don’t have a dime to get him something. Well, Mom kindly offered to spot me until Monday so hopefully I can manage to find him something before the day is out.

Phoenix is doing really good. D got a little scared this morning and we decided to take him to the hospital but the doc claims the crud in his nose and all the obnoxious crying is to be expected. He’s a baby after all. I figured he was fine anyway but you know, better safe than sorry. We took him down to the beach last weekend, dunked him in the water and everything but he couldn’t take the heat so we rushed him back home.

I just got a job offer out of the fucking blue. I mean I’ve been wondering where the other $300 was or when it was gonna come but this is probably way better. In fact, I’ve been whining on and on about how I’ll have to get another job anyway ’cause we just need more money. We keep running ourselves dry, even with my decent paycheque. Anyway, so it’s with Butterfield Bank, another in-house graphic designer job. I don’t know any of the real details just yet (in fact, the guy that called me up about it works for Baraud International and I don’t even remember sending anyone over there my résumé or anything) but he did say the monthly salary is somewhere in the 3,000s which is a little improvement over my current income. I dunno, I guess we’ll see how that goes once he gives me the real lowdown.

Work is… boring. I really don’t have anything to do lately. I’m just idling my time away downloading stuff and I brought in D’s birthing ball to use as a chair ’cause, you know, that’s supposed to be good for your back, like way better than office chairs and besides, it’s hip for designers to sit on balls, so they say. It kind of kills me though so maybe I’m not doing it right.

Our sex life has totally been rekindled. Not like it was ever so horrible but you know, we’re a little more wild now that Phoenix is out of the oven and D’s recovered a little.

So yeah, that’s all for now. I’m gonna go sit over here and twiddle my thumbs some more while I think of some other bullshit to occupy my time with. Love.

Tuesday, 27 May, 2008 at 7:02 pm Leave a comment

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Misadventures Of A Vagrant T-Girl

There's plenty fun to be had. From the Cayman Islands, to London, to Phoenix and back again, Silky's been there, done that. But life's for the living and I ain't dead yet. Making vegans look cool, trannies sound sexy and delivering shit hot Electro is my deal. Loving my beautiful wife, nurturing my baby boy Phoenix and making my small mark on this jaded world of post-consumerism is my mantra. Friends, welcome. Guests, indulge. There's plenty fun to be had.

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Birthdate: 19th February, 1983 Nationality: Caymanian Star Sign: Aquarius/Pisces Orientation: Bisexual Diet: Vegan Occupation: Graphic Designer WiiMail: w8848634343789919@wii.com
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