She has saved me. Saved me from the trenches of despair, not so long ago, when I felt as though I had nothing left to live for. Having every single thing I cherished and nurtured stripped away from me in an instant. And yet, I’m still here. Still going.

With her.

I want to hide from the mirror but I can’t look away.

And I’d already be dead if I weren’t still fighting to stay alive.

In case you’re wondering… I miss you, Heather, like the best friends that we used to be. I miss you, Kristina, like the best friends we could have been. I miss you, Amanda, like a little sister. I miss you, Jeannine, like a big sister. I want to have that lunch with you, Cindy. I want to party it up with you, Adi. I want Anjella to talk to me again and tell her it’s okay. I want to see Sammy again and play with her baby. I want to know that Claire is alright and I want to hold her, finally. I want to kiss you, Tammy and hit the best bars in Thailand. I want to make it up to Dan. I want to hang out with Kevin again. I want to hug Constance. I want to tell Blythe just how much those few hours meant to me. I want to find Andrea and fulfil my promise. I want to find Alexis and change the world with her. I want to catch up with my cousin, Samantha. I want to lay under a big tree with Jen. I want to know that Jasmine is happy. I want Nikko to accept me. I want Harmony to really talk to me. I want to know that Stephanie is happy. I want Lori to tell me why. I want to tell Samantha just how sorry I am. I want Jodi to come back. I want John to understand. I want my mother to fucking give it up and finally get it. I want to know that Savannah is doing just fine and see her smile just one more time.

I want to make my Danielle happy beyond her wildest dreams. I want Phoenix to inherit a beautiful world.

And I want to apologise to anyone I may have forgotten…

My to-do list is never-ending. So many amazing people have touched me in so many ways but I’ve reached a stage in my life where I don’t know how to return the favour. I’ve let you all down. I’ve neglected you. I’ve lied to you. I’ve left you behind. But I haven’t forgotten you and I have never stopped loving you. The simple truth is, I don’t know how to live anymore and don’t dare soil anyone’s life with my problems. Honestly, I’m just going through the motions and making the best out of every pitiful second of existence I have left, because something tells me it won’t be long now. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, I just don’t know how to make anyone happy anymore. I can barely utter a word when anyone says hello. I can barely look anyone in the eye. I’m so ashamed of myself and so exhausted from all of the self-loathing and so tired of being cast out by the general populace that I simply don’t have the energy to share any piece of myself with anyone anymore.

And I hate it.

This is not the person I am and I know it. You know it, whoever you are. I exist now as a byproduct of fear and depression. I’m so scared. I’m so hurt. I’m so lost and I don’t even know why I’m typing this. I can never keep in touch, no matter how badly I want to. I can never get up the nerve to pick up that phone. I can never compose myself long enough to get online and say anything to anyone. I’m a total wreck and I do not know what to do. I am so sorry. I am so unbelievably sorry. I miss you all so much and you mean so much to me and I think about all of you all the time. I want to give you so much. I want to touch you like you’ve touched me. But I just can’t…

Please forgive me. I love you.

We dug these holes we crawled into
Now they’re my home
Now here I cannot feel the wind
Can’t feel the rain nor cold
And I believe in gentle harmony
Oh, how I loath all this obscenity
Is this the way my life has got to be?
Have I a single opportunity?

Look at me
Oh, look at me
Is this the way I’ll always be?
Oh no!
And now I dream that somebody
Will swiftly come and kidnap me
Oh no!
And everyday I lie awake
And pray to god today’s the day
Oh no!
But here I am
Oh, here I am
Oh, when will someone understand?
Oh no!

And all at once I feel this
Oh, how it clings to me
It reels and calls me towards some
Confounding destiny
And I can feel the madness inch by inch
The more I run the more I am convinced
I’ve colored all these like the branches twist
Just like we settle in the frothy mist

Saturdays will never be the same
It’s even hard mentioning your name
Looking back, I don’t know what went wrong
But suddenly it’s like I don’t belong

So how long must I wait?
And how long must I stay?
Please let me know how to live
‘Cause I don’t ever wanna feel this way
Again

Nothing seems to matter anymore
Why can’t it be just like it was before?
I hate you for the person I’ve become
Take me back to where it all begun

So how long must I wait?
And how long must I stay?
Please let me know how to live
‘Cause I don’t ever wanna feel this way
Again

Let me know, how to live
Let me know

So how long must I wait?
And how long must I stay?
Please let me know how to live
‘Cause I don’t ever wanna feel this way
Again

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What People Are Saying

Sen. John McCain, likely Republican presidential nominee:
McCain said he admires Gore as an early and outspoken advocate of addressing the global warming problem even though “there may be some aspects of climate change that he and I are in disagreement (on).” Of the goals Gore outlined Thursday for generating more electricity with solar and wind resources, McCain said, “If the vice president says it’s doable, I believe it’s doable.” Source: Associated Press

Sen. Barack Obama, likely Democratic presidential nominee:
“For decades, Al Gore has challenged the skeptics in Washington on climate change and awakened the conscience of a nation to the urgency of this threat. I strongly agree with Vice President Gore that we cannot drill our way to energy independence, but must fast-track investments in renewable sources of energy like solar power, wind power and advanced biofuels, and those are the investments I will make as President. It’s a strategy that will create millions of new jobs that pay well and cannot be outsourced, and one that will leave our children a world that is cleaner and safer.”

Rep. Edward Markey, Chairman of the Select Committee on Energy Independence and Global Warming:
“Vice President Gore’s call today reflects not just the urgency of global warming, but the pent up renewable energy revolution that is waiting in the wings, ready to be unleashed. At a time when fossil fuels are dragging down our economy, we should be looking to free fuels like the wind and the sun to power our economy, and we should be moving swiftly to bring these promising energy sources to the entire world.

“Congress must take this clarion call from our nation’s climate sage and act, swiftly and fairly. Climate legislation can grow our economy, assist low and middle income families and workers, and transition us to a stable, clean energy future, but we are running out of time.

“It has been more than two years since the release of ‘An Inconvenient Truth’, and we have still not answered the call to save our planet and save our economy. We cannot go another two years, or even one year, without passing legislation to significantly cut global warming emissions and unleash a renewable energy future.”

Dr. James Hansen, Director, NASA Goddard Institute for Space Studies:
“This is just what the doctor ordered — to cure our carbon addiction and stimulate the economy. It would be the turning point that is needed to lead the world to a stable climate.”

Jonathan Lash, President, World Resources Institute:

“Climate change and energy security not just threats…they are opportunities. Vice President Gore has issued an audacious and timely challenge: imagine our future and our children’s future if we seize the moment. We need to change the debate in this country from what we can’t do to what we can do. America has led every major technological shift in the last 100 years, and we can lead the next one as well. The problem is not technology, it is political will.”

Bill McKibbon, author & climate activist:
“Finally a response to both the science of climate and the economics of energy on a scale commensurate with the problem. This is a plan that breaks us out of muddling, temporizing stalemate and sets a clear path forward towards an imaginable future. I’m not sure what prize you get once you’ve won the Nobel, but this initiative deserves it.”

Carol M. Browner, former EPA Administrator, and Principal of The Albright Group LLC:
“Once again, Al Gore is demonstrating his passion, leadership and ingenuity when it comes to offering real solutions to the climate and energy crisis. Al Gore recognizes that the enormity of the problem demands a hands-on approach that requires all of us to pitch in with good old-fashioned American innovation and resourcefulness. The time is now to move beyond conventional thinking and short-term politics, and Al Gore is charting a new course that will bring real, lasting change.”

Lee Thomas, Former EPA Administrator (under President Reagan):
“Our environment, economy and national security interests are threatened as never before. It’s time for all of us to commit to a comprehensive plan to break free of these threats. Al Gore is challenging each of us to be a part of the solution. I believe it will take this kind of bold initiatives and strong national leadership if we are to be successful.”

David G. Hawkins, Director, Climate Programs, Natural Resources Defense Council:
“Finally, a clear and compelling call to do what is both possible and essential to help solve the climate crisis. Al Gore’s call for a truly clean electric power fleet in a decade is the scale of action we need to break the back of global warming. With a prompt action plan from Congress, including a firm limit on global warming pollution, America can reach this goal in time to help the world avoid the worst impacts of a disrupted climate.”

Dan Kammen, Energy and Resources Group, UC Berkeley:
“Vice President Gore’s speech today sets the tone for a new American Century: one that is based around an economics and a technological capacity to value the planet, not to degrade it. The call for a clean energy future — one where jobs are gained, not lost — through the secure resources of energy efficiency and renewable energy, is one that we can achieve, but it will take leadership. We are already seeing nations around the planet discover that a future where wind, solar, geothermal, clean hydropower, and other clean energy sources can play major roles in their economic rebirth. The challenge is to expand greatly the research base and deployment capacity of these industries, and to construct new markets that select climate-friendly energy supplies first. The United States, under committed visionary leadership can become the engine of a global economic revitalization around clean power, and Vice President Gore has outlined a plan and take a major step to begin the greening of the 21st Century.
“

David Yarnold, Executive Director, Environmental Defense Fund
“Al Gore is exactly right about our economic, environmental, and national security challenges. We need bold leadership if we’re going to build a secure and prosperous future for the United States. Together we can find the most efficient and effective path forward.”

Alden Meyer, Director of Strategy and Policy, Union of Concerned Scientists:

“Vice President Gore has laid down a bold challenge to America, and we applaud his leadership. The science is clear and compelling — we face truly serious consequences from human-induced climate change that require an urgent response. We must transform our economy by using energy much more efficiently, and by tapping our huge domestic reservoir of clean, renewable resources.

Once again, Al Gore has underscored that incremental solutions are not sufficient, and that we must mobilize for the rapid transformation of our energy economy. We have the technologies needed to slash our emissions of heat-trapping gases in every sector of the economy; what’s needed is the political will to move them into the marketplace much more quickly.”

“We must all take Al Gore’s call for action seriously. Responding to climate change requires the full engagement of national, state and local public officials, business executives, religious and community leaders, and every citizen. By uniting in this common purpose and mobilizing America’s ingenuity and can-do spirit, we can rise to this challenge. We can revitalize our economy, increase our energy security, and do our part to cut global warming pollution, all at the same time.”

“Vice President Gore deserves our deep thanks for highlighting the need for action in such a clear and compelling way. Now it’s up to all of us to respond with the same level of courage and conviction he has shown in working together to get the job done.”

In a speech in Washington, DC, on July 17, Nobel Laureate and Former Vice President Al Gore will issue a major challenge to our country. He will essentially press the “reset” button on how we think about energy and climate, and how we can create prosperity in America.

Al Gore’s speech will generate a great deal of attention and excitment. Be sure to check back at www.wecansolveit.org for full coverage of the event the afternoon of July 17!

Something important is happening tomorrow.

In a speech in Washington, DC, Nobel Laureate and Former Vice President Al Gore will issue a major challenge, essentially pressing the “reset” button on how we think about energy and climate, and how we can create prosperity in America.

His speech will generate a great deal of attention.

Sincerely,

Cathy Zoi
CEO
www.wecansolveit.org

(This is one of the very few mornings I’ve woken up to a sleeping baby, so I thought I should take advantage of a rare opportunity while I still could.)

Hmmm… okay, no excuses today. I’ve been lazy. Busy, sure. But lazy. I don’t know what it is but I haven’t had much of an urge to stay committed to my wee, little blog lately. I used to be all over this thing. Maybe I was on some kind of mission to make myself heard. I dunno. Anyway, I wanna get back in it, I’ve just had other goings on eating up my precious little time.

Phoenix (the crazy baby from outer space) is looking absolutely, 100% per cent, completely and utterly adorable. He may drive us up the wall every single calendar day but he rocks our socks like no other. He’s got some kind of air about him that just sort of resonates something special (or maybe that’s just me being one damn proud mama). We’ve already taken him to the movies twice, by the pools around Treasure Island a few times, down to Boatswain’s Beach, over to my Aunt Barbara’s and envjoyed a sleepover at his grandparents. Been thinking about giving him his own little blog too, starting tomorrow, maybe, which marks his second month birthday anniversary (although he’s technically been eight weeks old since Thursday).

On the subject of blogs et cetera, I’ve also been secretly working on another Silky blog on the sly. One to accompany my Silky namesake on Second Life alone, chock full of way more electro (and nothing but electro) and all about the music and the scene online. Since I haven’t been able to spin for so long now, I’ve been training with Ableton Live in the hopes of getting back in the game with a much bigger, stronger arsenal of mad skills, if ya know what I mean. Ableton Live is simply amazing and there’s no arguing that but my shoddy excuse for a PC just isn’t cutting it anymore. (It’s survived numerous trials, so I can’t really knock Hypersonic for their uber-developed and souped-up Clevos.) So, I might be migrating my DJ business to the Mac for now.

In other news, I’m currently developing a small website for a client outside of Century 21 so if anyone asks, you heard nothing. Just a little something for Tortuga Rum Cake Co., nothing major but we could always do with a few extra funds.

I’ve been missing my friends. I guess D and I both have. Aside from frequent visits from my parents, we’re virtually alone on this island now. Just the three of us. And I’d like to say more about other persons that have recently entered our lives but it seems as though they may be slowly slipping out already. Oh, well. On with the show…

Phoenix had his first doctor’s visit yesterday. At just six weeks old, he was subjected to two injections from a duo of syringes longer than his forearm, administered by some over-the-hill gorilla lady with ashy knuckles and a moustache, with hardly an ounce of tenderness. But, alas, he survived and emerged victorious, now immunised against Hepatitis B and Tuberculosis. We also discovered that he ineed has some mild eczema, so we’ll pick something up for his skin soon enough, although the amazing, natural line of Weleda products we’ve been using has done wonders already. He still gets the odd patch of dry skin here and there and seems to be particulary prone to heat rash but in this hot and humid Caribbean weather, it’s no surprise.

Pookums stands tall and proud at 12lb 5oz now and he’s 100 per cent clinically insane. He enjoys most of his days (and nites) milking Mama D dry and when he’s not satisfying his hunger pains, he’s pooping, peeing, burping, puking, bauling his head off, knocking off a few rounds with D’s tits, dancing to Rollergirl, staring at the bed head, smiling, squeaking, squirming, attempting to crawl, struggling to make sense of my crazy curls, immersed in the TV and/or computer screen, brushing up on his boxing, pulling off an uncannily convincing Popeye impression, shoving his feet into my diaphragm, dozing off or demanding more boob juice. Oh and, every once in a while, he’ll sleep. He also makes a habit of throwing his own parties at the witching hour every nite, at which we are always present (D provides the beverages). Breakfast begins at approximately 5am, 6am and 7am every morning, collectively and then it’s time for his daily exercise routine, which consists of push-ups (or pull-ups, as the case may be), sit-ups and various stretches.

So, yes, he’s doing just fine.

Lately, we’ve been playing the typical famiy role, performing the daily grind, so to speak, until there’s enough money saved up in my pension for us to extract and head back to Arizona, finally. We wake up not so bright and early every morning, tend to the master, enjoy a bowl of diced organic bananas and/or apples with pomegranate, acai or blueberry granola and soy yoghurt, feed the scraps to the neighbourly iguana on our balcony, check out the latest Wii updates, dabble on Second Life a little, Pookums permitting and maybe indulge in a little television or music. I’ve been working mostly from home, as I barely do anything at the office anymore besides sit around, eroding in the dark and I can perform just fine on the Mac right here at home and still spend my free time helping out Mama D with the little monster.

Occasionally, we’ll trek down to the beach, Phoenix in stroller, though he doesn’t seem to care of the saltwater very much so sometimes we’ll simply venture downstairs to the nearby swimming pools visible from our balcony and wade in the smaller tub for a while. He seems to have taken quite a liking to water, provided the temperature is just right. So much so that we can now comfortably bathe with him in the bathroom and scrub him down in unison, even feeding him right there and then should he feel the urge to suckle. We always take him shopping with us and tomorrow we’ll even make an attempt to make a trip to the cinema with the grandparents to watch Wall-E, if it’s even playing here yet.

And that’s about our life as it stands right now. We’ve been a little more preoccupied with Second Life since he’s entered our lives and we’re ever so slowly getting back into the groove and I’m hoping to start spinning again soon, should I find some way to do so using Ableton Live (I’ve grown tired of SAM). In the meantime, I’m not sure what to do with this little corner of cyberspace. I’m not even sure if I’m making the least bit of difference with all my posts on environmentalism, veganism, transgenderism and the sort although I’ll still continue forward on my quest to convince the mass populace to wake the fuck up.

But baby gets what baby wants.

Looks like I just so happened to stumble upon another candidate for the ever-growing Guide To The Silky Way. Another fairly competent search engine worth mentioning and pretty fresh to the scene: Tagoo. Although nothing will ever compare to the now fabled beauty of SingingFish, Tagoo does a very decent job in delivering the goods, with advanced search features that allow you to peruse by artist, album, title, bitrate and even duration, while unnecessarily throwing in lots of bells and whistles. Results are typically generous but you might wince at the very occasional dead link. It’s Russian-based too, so it might even broaden your musical horizons a tad. Happy Hunting!